The Luckiest

2011-12-27T01:55:00.001-08:00

It's official: I have decided to stop dating other people. Matt is thrilled!

I just couldn't do it anymore. I couldn't.

I See You

2011-10-10T23:40:00.000-07:00

Lately I have had the opportunity to see a glimpse of maybe how God sees me. I think there are three ways to see a person:

1. How the world sees you
2. How you see yourself
3. How God sees you

I think the way God sees us is the most accurate. The other two seem to be more ambiguous depending on how emotionally stable I am haha. Sometimes I wonder if I see myself correctly. Confidants have been telling me that I am being extremely hard on myself lately, because all I see is flaws. Even during the times when I feel simply imperfect and unloveable, I see this image of myself as being irrational. Of course I'm flawed! I'm human! Humans are imperfect, but always deserve love. I have this out of body experience where I want to snap myself out of a pity party and move it along. At those times, I realize that my perception of myself is not accurate, and maybe the people around me (maybe who know me the most) see me more for who I really am. But sometimes it's the other way around, where you feel like no one realizes who you are, because they only see the first impression or base their image of you off of that one time you were running off of 5 hours of sleep and weren't having the greatest day. At that point, I hope that people who don't see me correctly have the patience to wait out the bad impression and the grace period to find out who I really am. The people who put the most effort into knowing me obviously like me enough to stick around (most of the time), so I guess their opinions are the only ones that truly matter.

And then there's God. I think God sees us without bodies, with perfect clarity and knowledge of who we started out as and how far we've come. God sees how much we try and fail and try again and loves us for who we can become. He sees the talents we don't see as well as the flaws we magnify. He knows our heartaches and sends us angels when we can't function, to strengthen us to be angels for someone else later on when they can't function, either. I think God is merciful and forgiving and wants us to love ourselves as much as we preach about loving our neighbor. He made us to thrive and find joy in sorrow and become like Him amidst heartache and happiness. When I try to see myself as He sees me, with an eternal perspective, I feel beautiful inside and out.

I realize that this blog does not have pictures, or cute anecdotes or even edited paragraphs. Writing my thoughts down stream-of-consciousness style helps me figure out my life and my brain and makes me remember things. If you want to see all those things I'm not, go find a married person's blog to follow! Love ya.

2011-06-19T16:10:00.001-07:00

I joined a gym, which is pretty much my Everest. So can I get an Amen for that?

Amen.

Lobsters

2011-05-05T00:20:00.000-07:00

It is so interesting to me to see the kind of people certain people choose to date. Mostly because that person is most likely as close to their "ideal person" as they can find, especially if they are dating long-term. Honestly, a lot of times I am baffled....HE/SHE is your ideal person? Do you realize that they give a bad first impression and addicted to Tina Fey? Oh wait, that's me. But really, that sounds really mean. I've realized that a lot of things I say come out mean, when really they are just a matter of fact. Now that sounds cocky. That happens a lot, too. I promise I am less cocky than I am sounding right now.

I still can't believe that I was someone's ideal.

My roommates and I were talking about "our people" and how everyone has a person...kind of like in Friends when Ross and Rachel get back together and Phoebe shouts, "She's his lobster!"

Ross and Rachel's possible love child according to this theory.

Person = lobster. Get it? Even though lobster, I'm pretty sure, is supposed to mean soul mate in this situation, I think you can have a lot of People in your life. These are not normal people. These are people who you feel comfortable peeing with the door open when they're around. You can sit in the same room with these people for hours and not say a word and still come out of it thinking, "that was a pretty good day". These people learn your nuances and can recite them to others like, "Don't ask kRo to tell you anything about this movie you are about to watch, because she has movie detail amnesia." Your world becomes defined by these people and they don't even try.

And this is the part where I quote Sex and the City. "What if we were each other's soulmates?" I'm pretty sure this is the closest to lady love that I'll ever get, because I just love me the men too dang much. They smell good and are better at cuddling. Insert awesome wrap-up here.

summer goals:

2011-05-03T16:12:00.000-07:00

learn how to longboard
go camping
hot springs
substitute walking for driving when possible
break down the running wall
apocalypse week...much like shark week in terms of awesomeness but more like seeing how long i can go without electricity and on my food storage
find a g.o.b. (arrested development, anybody?)
roadtrip
be outside so much i get a glow
read more than i watch tv

2010-12-29T02:13:00.001-08:00

At the end of all this, I hope I will be able to say I did the best with what I was given, and didn't make any excuses for myself.

2010-12-23T00:24:00.000-08:00

My roommates and I started playing this game on Sundays: trying to pull off a neglected or outrageous item of clothing off at church. The first day I wore a snot-green satin ruffle coat, Moe wore a huge red satin ballerina skirt, Quintella wore a fur-collared coat, I don't remember what Angela wore, and Kellie cut off the bottom of a bridesmaid's dress and wore it as an undershirt. This game has seeped into the rest of my life as I wake up in the morning feeling like P-Diddy, throw open my closet and say, "Oh hey you! Closet! I will win you today!" Because we all have a self-imposed uniform, regardless of premeditation or acknowledgement, and sometimes I get bored! You'd be surprised how many outfits you can get out of your closet when you make a game out of it. So I've been playing a game with my closet, and I almost always win, wearing ridiculous colors together, clothes I had forgotten about, out of season items, and basically doing everything I wouldn't normally do to make my life more exciting. And I feel great about it.

2010-12-23T00:15:00.001-08:00

Make your own light.

Do it to it

2010-11-25T13:13:00.000-08:00

We all know I'm eternally grateful for my friends and family and the Gospel. Now what about the weird stuff?

trees
secrets
trampolines
the ocean
forts
prayer
charity
ice
wanderlust
photography
weird dreams
pep talks
down comforters
walking
vegetables
learning from mistakes
art
the seasons
mechanics
learning
degrees
accomplishing goals
The Plan of Salvation
a sense of humor

2010-11-22T16:31:00.000-08:00

I'm pretty good at reading people. I can read people's motive behind things; I can almost ALWAYS tell when someone is interested in another person, even if the other person doesn't have a clue, and I can tell what someone is thinking when they're blowing me off, trying to persuade me, feel awkward or that they're better than me, and the calculations they make sometimes even before they play out. I think this is a gift that a lot of women have. We are by nature observant and methodical when it comes to people. We are in the people-reading business. I think God made it that way so that we could be better nurturing mothers. It's hard to empathize, support and care for another human being when you can't read between the lines. Everything that happens on the surface comes from a hidden catalyst right or even deep below. I have no quick or poignant wrap-up for this thought.

For J. & S. & A.

2010-11-17T15:08:00.000-08:00

I'm sitting in the pit snuggling under foofie, trying to get into the zone where I really want to read the thing I don't really want to read. A lot of things lately have been about eternal perspective. I can get through this, because it will only be a moment. Isn't that comforting to know? That the hard things won't last forever, even if they feel like forever? It makes me appreciate the good things even more because I know that soon they will be gone. In a way, that's kind of depressing. But I think it makes you live your life more immediately, more in the moment because you know that things will come and go but FAMILY IS FOREVER! Have you guessed by now that I promised my best friend that I would write a stream of consciousness blog? Have you also guessed that my friends are the family I choose? I'm listening to Pandora right now and Matt Nathanson is playing an awful song. Somehow my study music is deplorable and if I heard any of it on the radio I would turn it to hip hop. I remember the first time I drove to school with my friend Missy she was shocked that I prefer rap and hip hop to a lot of kinds of music. Why can't a girl just like what she likes? Why does my whole image have to project hip hop for it to be okay for me to like it? I've been thinking a lot about our perceptions of people and what they really are. I want to know how people really see me, because I feel like I am a lot different on the inside. Is that what makes a close friend? Someone who sees you for who you really are? I feel like my closest friends see the things that even I don't see. They are my foil and tell me the good and bad things I can't see for myself and then help me become a better person. Of course it is all done with love.

I went to Kevin's jazz concert yesterday. It really made me miss the musical side of myself. I grew up playing the piano and being in choir. I was actually pretty good at both of those things. And then I came to college, didn't have ready access to a piano, and wasn't accepted to Women's Chorus...so it gently drifted away. I can't remember the last time I played a piano and the last time I performed in a legit choir besides ward choir was five years ago. It's so true that the talents you don't cultivate will leave you. I think it's the same but opposite process for gaining talents. So many people categorize themselves as being talentless in so many areas because they've never taken the adequate time to become good. A lot of talents do require some initial talent, but after that, most of it is work. Do you really expect to be Elvis the first time you sing? No, he probably put in his 10,000 hours like that one book Outliers said. BTW, that book might be the most interesting book I have ever listened to on tape in painting class...slash the only.

My time at school is winding down. I'm student teaching next semester and then I can do or go wherever/whatever I want. A year ago I would have been on the next plane to...well, anywhere. But I realized that a big part of finding a good job is your connections, and I've formed some pretty good ones here. I've made a family here for myself in a lot of communities. Dare I say I want to stay here? Remember that one time I tried to move to Portland for the summer? J and I searched and searched for four months and even went there on a scouting trip and literally not one.single.thing worked out for us. Hundreds of resumes sent out and not one prospect. I think if one had come up, I would have taken it. And then I look back at what happened instead and think how silly I was to try to plan my life for myself. I mean, you can plan and you SHOULD plan, but really, what's best for you comes from God. So God took over my decision and told me to stay in Provo. I'm pretty sure it's the best decision I haven't made all year. Besides being awesome. That's lifelong, I guess.

A lot of people my age talk about how they hate this transitionary phase of life. Things are so up in the air, so impermanent, so ready to blow away with the wind that it's hard to see three feet in front of you at any given moment. There's this unsettling fog between us and our real lives. But really, I love that fog. I love not knowing what's going to happen next, who I will turn into, where I will end up or with who. I do love me some stability, but isn't it exciting? Isn't it liberating to know that you have almost limitless choices and possibilities and you just have to pick the best-fitting one? How boring would it be to know that in five years you will be living in a house in Utah and have one kid? I can plan my dream homes on all the American coasts with my 5 kids and my tall husband and my art teaching job, but what if, in reality, I'm meant to move to Ireland and not get married for another four years but fall in love twice and marry a fatty? What if that's what's best for me? Do I dare tell God no? No. And what about this whole "real life" thing? Yes, David Goes To The Dentist, this is real life! Your real life is happening right now! And mine is, too. I am trying harder to stop talking about one day and start doing today. I just remembered my 43things.com list and went and checked off like five goals that I wrote down a few months ago. I feel so accomplished. kRo out. Your turn, J.

Laughter Yoga

2010-10-01T12:47:00.000-07:00

This guy gets people in a room and they all start fake laughing. After a while the laughter becomes real. I want to try this sometime. Do you believe that laughter can fix broken things? I do.

2010-09-25T17:47:00.000-07:00

One day I WILL go to Ireland.

But seriously, I'm going next summer.

(maybe)

Who's coming with me?

Feminism! Positivity! America!

2010-09-21T17:40:00.000-07:00

My friend has this theory that if you put positive thoughts out into the universe, they will come back to you. I guess it's like karma but without all the work? Plus karma can sometimes be bad for you, no? My positive thoughts for the week:

I will go on a date soon.
I will help someone this week.
I will make a new friend.
I will change the world!

Ok so maybe the first three won't happen, but the fourth one is happening come hell or high water!
Or as we like to say around here: HAPPENING!

kRo

2010-09-17T15:24:00.000-07:00

Sometimes my mind forgets I'm in Provo and tells my mouth to blurt out socially-unacceptable things. Mostly cuss words. Or dirty jokes. Or other awesome things of that nature. And then I come back to consciousness and the blank stares of the people I'm talking to at the time and am harshly reminded that yes, I am indeed in Provo.

(Californians aren't meant to stay in Provo. But maybe that's what Provo needs. I have a love love hate relationship with this city.)

So should I bite my tongue and stop thinking such awe(some)ful things? Should I mold myself to fit into the place where I live and the people that surround me? I don't think that's fair. For a while I had friends who made me feel bad about being myself, when being who I was wasn't normal in this city or where they came from. I thought something was wrong with me until I washed my hands from them and started over again, bruised but determined to be the best version of myself: dirty mind, honest comments, testimony and all. I finally felt comfortable in my own skin and made (or kept) friends who appreciated no-apologies me.

Sometimes things I say startle people. Sometimes I'm too honest, too dirty, too big for this city. Sometimes I regret it. Sometimes I don't. Maybe it's all about the audience. I believe in bettering oneself, but not in changing something that isn't either bad or good, just different.

Does this even make sense? I am a big believer in stream-of-consciousness everything. I feel like it's the most truthful.

Long story short, I will say what's on my mind. I will filter when I deem appropriate. But I will not fix what isn't broken for anyone but me or God.

2010-09-14T00:55:00.000-07:00

What if people's outsides matched their insides? Would there be more beautiful or ugly people in the world? Sometimes I think I'm prettier on the inside than on the outside. But what if maybe not? What if we all started working on our personalities more than our appearances? What kind of world would come from it?

I want to be beautiful to the bone.

2010-09-12T19:39:00.000-07:00

I could cut the libido in my ward with a knife. People are fluttering about, moving along trying to find a mate. Sometimes I just wish boys and girls could be friends.

But as we know, it just don't happen like that. Sing it, Harry.

2010-09-07T01:07:00.000-07:00

This boy right here is always in the back of my mind. We have (almost) made it to the six month mark.

I am incredibly grateful for the time I have been given to grow.

I don't know what I would have done without these past six months.

Ironic.

Six months ago, I didn't know what I would do with them.

2010-09-07T01:00:00.001-07:00

I feel like this is what being a mother will be all about.

2010-09-02T23:41:00.000-07:00

Have you noticed that when I blog I do it like three times in one night? My last thought:

I really really really enjoy vaguebooking.

Dear God

2010-09-02T23:28:00.001-07:00

Lord give me charity, a better attitude, and the strength to get things done.

Sometimes I write prayers on the sidelines of my notebooks when class feels like eternity and notes don't seem to matter.

Aibileen writes her prayers in a notebook for hours every night. Isn't that the most beautiful thing you've ever heard? I think I'm going to start doing that more.

2010-09-02T22:52:00.000-07:00

I just realized that I like to name things.

Car. Agnes.
Unicorn blanket. Magnes.
Down blanket. Foofie.
Other quilt. Jacob Lake Sleeping-under-the-stars Blanket.
Ipod. Genevieve.
Life. Awesome.

2010-08-31T19:41:00.000-07:00

Everything is illuminated and I now see God's hand in so many aspects of my life. I am overwhelmed at new responsibilities but confident and hopeful that I will be doing some good around here. Responsibility is definitely humbling.

Matt is 5 1/2 months out.
He told me that he received an impression that not only would I survive these two years, but that I would thrive.
I know that everything happens for a reason.
I know that God answers prayers.
I know that He knows more than I do.
My Patriarchal Blessing is dead on.
I am in awe.

2010-08-29T18:25:00.000-07:00

Over and over again I am reassured that my loss was really a huge WIN.

I like not getting what I want and getting something better.

2010-08-19T22:52:00.000-07:00

This is now my official theme song until I get off of my single high horse. I am done with drama and stress and worry and heartache. It's not worth it when I have an amazing boy already. I am now officially embracing my single life with open arms.

I am okay with being alone.

Whip it good.

2010-08-18T00:08:00.000-07:00

"I just wanted to tell you guys that you're my heroes."

"Well, put some skates on. Be your own hero."

I have an uncontrollable desire to see this movie.

TWSS

2010-08-14T23:40:00.000-07:00

I went to St. Jig to my friend Aaron's wedding and got to babysit during the ceremony. These kids are so cute.

Temple! I saw a young couple come outside with their little baby they had just gotten sealed to. It was so beautiful to think about the sacred ceremony that went on inside just minutes before. They are now together for eternity. How beautiful is that? I'm pretty sure I almost cried.

Freaking Beaver.

The view from campus.

Cedar City Sunset.

I got to stay with my friend Megan in Cedar the night before the wedding. She worked at the infamous JL with me and we lived together for a while, but then she moved far far away from me and we never see each other. We went on our traditional Cafe Rio run and then she drove me around her hometown narrating her life for me. It was awesome and now I miss her even more. Also I got to take a bath at her house, which I never get to do, so pretty much my life is complete now.

One day I got so hungry at work I ordered CPK and they walked it over. Heaven.

...in bed.

We can go to Spain where the rain falls mainly on the plains.

2010-08-11T23:16:00.000-07:00

I feel like I have been extremely AWOL on this blog lately. Here are about 1,000 pictures to make up for it.

This one time Beth stole my camera at FHE and took a bunch of pictures. FHE has been fun this semester because our ward was small and Mike and I always ended up planning cool enough things that the whole ward ended up coming anyway. It made for some interesting Mondays, that's for sure.

I love Beth. She's moving out on Monday and I will get four new roommates who all know each other. And a bigger private room!

Mike, my FHE partner, explaining how to make a paper boat to float down the river. He's amazing and gives good advice.

Amy and I go on dates twice a week. Shh, don't tell Stephen or Matt.

Boating at Deer Creek Reservoir.

Sometimes I get so bored at work that I give myself a photoshoot. Yeah, you heard that right.

I went to the temple with my ward. I love the view!

The Goonies at the State Capitol! So epic!

Kelsey Anne warms my soul.

Amy and Schteefe.

Yum.

Don't ask.

We got bored and started taking pictures inside.

Hello.

Then Kelsey joined in the fun.

Hahaha. Mimicking pictures.

We went camping at Payson Lake!

I went home and got up with charlie at 7 like old times. Excuse the bed-everything and my awful face.

Yeah...

Bah! I love him so much.

That's Embarassing...

2010-08-10T17:30:00.000-07:00

In honor of Allister Bee's awesomeness, and my own narcissism, here are some of my most embarssing moments:

-When I was ten I was at a picnic with my friend's family (including her cute older brother) and laughed so hard I farted....#thatsembarassing

-I watch reality TV to make me feel like I'm actually doing something good with my life....#thatsembarassing

-When I was little I had a major baby phase spurred by an awesome Halloween outfit in which I drank everything out of a baby bottle for two weeks....#thatsembarassing

-I was so clumsy in high school that my parents started calling me Grace Kellie....#thatsembarassing

-I jump, even when I see the person gearing up to scare me beforehand....#thatsembarassing

-I take at least 5 pictures of myself on my phone before I go out to make sure I look good...and then people find them when they're snooping through my phone and I have to fess up to it...#thatsembarassing

-For Prom a group of us went to a nice tepanyaki house for dinner. When the chef threw a ball of rice for me to catch in my mouth, I swerved, causing the boy next to me to ram his straw up his nose. He bled everywhere...#thatsembarassing

-I have a girl crush on Justin Bieber, but only for his music....#thatsembarassing

-Every time I eat chocolate covered raising I think of rat poop, but eat them anyway....#thatsembarassing

-I do not know the geography of my own country. Since I was in a gifted class the year they taught the states, the teacher assumed we all knew it already. I haven't had the initiative to learn it since....#thatsembarassing

-I think I look cool when I'm driving around with the windows down and the rap blasting, but in reality, my car is so crappy the AC doesn't work, and I live in Provo, Utah...#thatsembarassing

-When I was 13 I was playing a game at my friend's Bat Mitzvah where we had to run across the dance floor with the music. I face planted and my skirt flew up in front of everyone haha....#thatsembarassing

-One time I went camping with my art class in Zion. My teacher's wife reached out to pat my arm and patted my boob instead. She played it off like nothing happened....#thatsembarassing

Please comment back with some of your most embarassing moments, or better yet, make a post and put the link here! Come on, we're all family.

The Middle

2010-08-10T16:54:00.000-07:00

People's middle names intrigue the crap out of me. It's interesting that everyone has to live with what their parents picked for them before or at birth. The unexpected ones are the most amazing, because they're always endearing. It's like you know a little secret about that person that anyone could know but never asks. I respect people who give their children unique names, and it's better if they're weird. I also really like making up middle names for people I don't know very well. I feel like it brings us closer in some way. I am a freak.

2010-08-09T22:18:00.000-07:00

God is giving me lessons on forgiveness.

all baby no baby

2010-08-04T13:17:00.000-07:00

I am amazed at how much I am letting one event in my life right now sink me so deep. Yesterday when I wrote that post I was happy despite my trials. Today everything is grey despite sunshine and I want to cry but can't. How can the difference of one day turn life upside down?

The hardest thing about Matt being gone is being thrown back into a single's lifestyle after two years of talking about marriage and being secure in a loving relationship. I am an absolute idiot at dating and now I have no idea how I even scored a boyfriend to begin with. I have been rejected a lot lately, been sloppy seconds, cast aside for a best friend, and pretty much everything else awful that comes with dating.

The worst part is that I am letting myself get distracted with and settle for boys I see no future with to soften the pain of being apart from the one person I know I will eventually end up with. So do I continue on frantically trying to find a short-term substitute or do I wait it out alone for another year and a half and save myself the heartache but also potentially awesome experiences?

I need to detox negativity, self-doubt, the heartache of rejection and the people in my life who make me feel like getting a date is the most important thing.

I am going to fix myself before I try to fix my relationship status.
No more boys, or girls who are obsessed with boys.
I am going on a self-imposed drama/dating/boy sabbatical.
I am rising above my heartache.

this is for natalia

2010-08-03T19:16:00.000-07:00

Life has been a good kind of busy lately. The kind of busy where you forget to eat because you're having so much fun...but also working a lot. I am starting to dread work, but that is just me hating to grow up. If I didn't have a job I'd dread that, too. It's always better to be busy, I think. It keeps you out of trouble.

I've been thinking about going on a mission; not because Matt is on one and people keep telling me "You could be back before he got back! It'd be perfect!" (because that is the worst reason I can think of), but because I have felt the Spirit telling me to prepare. Maybe it's the preparation for something spiritual that I really need, not the actual mission. I have no idea, but I am slowly working it out on my own time. I am not anxious or in a rush. I am confident I will get the answer I need on God's time. I appreciate advice from wiser people.

I had a birthday. I was dreading it because of Matt's absense and the fact that he makes celebrations amazing, but God sent me angels and I had (for the most part) an amazing day. Lunch, whores, shopping, tie-dying FHE, decorated hallways, balloons, cake. How is a 22 year old supposed to act? Who even knows, but it better be how I'm acting because I like who I am.

Life is beautiful. My car is 100 degrees at any given point in the day, I get headaches from looking at the computer for hours on end at work, but I relish summer evenings in the grass, running around in the hot moonlight and being invited to one event by three different people. I am looking forward to a weeklong vacation in San Francisco. My wanderlust will finally be satiated, and that is an exciting feeling. I have so many plans for that week that I don't even know where to start...I guess with finals and a week of intense work, then a plane ride, some planning, and a couple days of wandering with no plans. I like to explore a city like a dream; just let it happen to you and you'll find greater things than you could have ever planned. August 22-27 will be Dream Week with the Dream Team (aka me and Brittney Freaking Larsson). She was sent to me from God, I swear. She is the kind of person who brings me her phone charger at work when I have five hours left, and comes in with a boba and a present for my birthday, then stays for three hours so I won't be lonely. She feeds me dinner and listens to drama and makes me want to be a better person.

When life gets hard, I think of people in my life who are having a much harder time than I am and then try to help them out someway. It really makes my problems seem like an absolute joke. How can I help you? I feel God telling me that I need to be his angel to give back for receiving so many around me lately. Is that not the cheesiest thing you have ever heard? Sometimes I wonder if people read my blog and think Kellie is in la-la-land.

Before this summer ends, I would like to:

go to seven peaks
go on a date with the Unicorn
have a spa day (hopefully in San Francisco)
see Wicked (again, SF)
save a couple hundred dollars more towards a new(er) car
be in a body of water
learn how to keep my room clean
bless someone's life
see The Sir Charles
stop worrying about boys

that is all i ask

Ridiculously Late New Year's Resolutions Update

2010-07-17T15:46:00.000-07:00

Way back in January, I decided to make some goals. Way back in February, I completely forget about those goals. Time to see how I did!

1. Take 365 pictures in 365 days.

I'm just as surprised as you are that I am still keeping up on this. I have started posting once every 2-3 weeks because, let's face it, I finally have a life and living that life is more important than updating every day right now. And some of the pictures are last-minute and crappy, but they're still documentation. Booyah, year! I will dominate you with my picture-taking skills!

2. Move {somewhere, someone}

In January, J and I had lofty plans to move to Oregon this summer. After months of searching for a job, and even going there and interviewing and sending out resumes, we had no leads and lots of frustration. We both decided it was God's way of telling us we needed to stay where we were and bloom where we were planted. So even though I did not move out of Provo, I feel like I got the better end of the stick. This summer is 1,000 times better than I ever imagined it could be...ok, maybe only 500 times. But still, I am very happy God made the decision for me to stay where I am.

3. Create more art.

I have taken three art classes this summer and found out that I really enjoy watercolor, that I am really bad at glassblowing, and that I don't utterly suck at ceramics.

4. Stop worrying so much.

This is an awful resolution because there is not way to quantify or qualify it. Let's just say: yes.

5. Say yes more.

Past Me would be baffled at how active Present Me is in my ward. I go to almost everything and say yes every time I don't have work or school conflicts. I also went on a date today.

I have also been prompted to do certain things that I have said yes to. That counts, right?

I was also offered a job as a consultant for a new art school in Orem. The job is only like two hours a week, but hopefully once that is over and I have graduated in April, they will hire me as a full-time art teacher. Can't say no to that right now...

6. Care more about my life than my body.

By saying yes more, I have tubed the Snake River, gone boating/tubing at Deer Creek Reservoir, played frisbee and tons of active night games, and started walking to school more, without having to go to the gym once. J said I look skinnier (and I hope that's true), but I just feel better. And it's way more fun.

2010-07-15T17:03:00.001-07:00

image by elsita

"I'm afraid I'm not cut out for all that," I said.
"Well, who cut you out?" she said. "Cut yourself out again."

- Elizabeth McMracken, The Giant's House

(stolen from Yes and Yes)

More Wisdom

2010-07-13T15:07:00.000-07:00

Thank you, Chelsea M, for this little tidbit:

There is a "difference between letting your heart break into a million pieces when life is unfair, and letting is break OPEN to something new."

Life is beautiful.

(Images courtesy of Google, beautiful.tumblr.com, nationalgeographic.com, & theworldwelivein.tumblr.com)

Heart Strings

2010-07-10T16:11:00.000-07:00

For the past couple of weeks I have felt the need to go to the temple. I don't go very often, but when I do go I feel so energized and at peace. I feel like I more fully understand my purpose here and what God needs for me. I prepared myself to go, I tried to go several times, but every time something unavoidable stood in my way. Like two different temples being closed three different times. In two different states.

Once I get it in my heart to go, I feel like there is this invisible string connecting my soul to those front doors, and every time I can't go the string tugs tighter. This is what it must feel like for people without the ability to go at all. This is what it must be like to not have a recommend. Why am I just figuring this out now, and why don't I go more often?

J has felt this feeling, too. This is why we're best friends. Just kidding, but truly. We made a pact to go sometime this week. Will someone please come with me?

You can't fix stupid...

2010-07-08T12:11:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I have bouts of stupidity in which I link my self worth to my physical appearance. On a car ride with my mom one Sunday afternoon, she told me what every good mother should tell her daughter. She pointed out all my good qualities, and then I said, "Yeah, but I'm still fat."

What she said next has stuck in my mind and resonated every time I let my mind win:

"Kellie, you can't fix stupid. You can't fix being kind, smart and unique. You can fix fat."

I am eating healthier, I am being active, I am enjoying my body, I am becoming stronger.
I am fixing fat.
I am loving who I am.

Udaho.

2010-07-08T10:01:00.000-07:00

Welp, I went to Idaho and now I can say that summer actually feels like summer.
There was a lot of driving by fields with the windows down, afternoon pizza and naps, outdoor exhaustion and breezy nights last weekend. All with mah beyst freynds.

I think that trip may or may not last me until the end of August, in which I will spend my whole summer's paycheck (if I have to) to go somewhere amazing. Wanderlust really is my own personal brand of heroin haha. Oh and don't spoil Eclipse for me, because I'm waiting to berate it for $1 instead of $8. Please give me suggestions!

CJane's Words of Wisdom

2010-07-08T09:56:00.000-07:00

"Saying good bye is part of our heritage. Our farewells strengthen our faith and bind us together as saints. The point of our existence to live in a way that would bring us back to live with our Heavenly Father and our family who we have left for a time. And the one thing that makes these good byes bearable is knowing they are temporary."

here

2010-06-22T09:37:00.000-07:00

"Yea, and all the earth shall see the salvation of the Lord, saith the prophet; every nation, kindred, tongue and people shall be blessed." 1 Ne 18:17

2010-06-20T21:30:00.000-07:00

I am surrounded by marriage. Living in a Mormon college town doesn't help. Neither does the fact that I work at a wedding invitation store. This is my second job at a place like this. For a while I wanted to be a wedding planner. I have a folder on my computer dedicated to wedding inspiration. I am a hopeless romantic and want to get married....and I should say that I am over the moon happy for every one of my friends who is engaged right now. But today I am jealous.

No doubt about it, I am going to rock.it. on my wedding day.

2010-06-17T22:26:00.001-07:00

When Someone Saves You A Seat

2010-06-11T17:32:00.000-07:00

Stolen from 1000 Awesome Things

#485 When someone saves you a seat

It’s time to get down with the get down…

At the movies! Your arms bearhug fat tubs of popcorn and slippery jumbo drinks as you blindly stumble down the dark aisle. You scan the chattery crowd dotting the red plushy tundra before noticing your friend thirty rows up giving you the two armed wave.
At the school assembly! You’re separated from your fourth grade soulmate and only see each other while double-dutching by the portables at recess. But then come student council speeches, music recitals, or a Thanksgiving play and suddenly your hearts spark again at the back of the bleachers.

At the concert! Boots up, you’re bumpily crowdsurfing at the front of the mosh pit. After you crash land on your neck in a dirty puddle of warm beer, your friend yanks you up by the wrist and squeezes you beside her right in front of the stage.

At the rocket ship before blastoff! You slept in and got stuck in highway traffic so now you’re chomping on a fistful of ice cream pellets while Velcroing your aluminum-foil-and-fishbowl getup together in the car. You arrive at the launchpad and race down the thin metal bridges into the ship as the engines fire up… and there’s Cindy! With a windbreaker lying on the window seat beside her.

Yes, when you spot a friend snagging you a prime seat it’s good times, it’s good times. After all, they’re expressing your friendship to the world by deciding twenty minutes of stinkeye is worth making sure you sit together. Now you get to chat, laugh, and love those good times with a close friend.

Buddy, I don’t know what you call that if you don’t call that

AWESOME!

Study Somewhere Else

2010-06-08T22:38:00.000-07:00

Dear BYU Girls,

Good job, you went on a study abroad. So did every other girl at BYU! You are not special, and no, a study abroad is not as impressive as going on a mission! So stop bringing it up like you conquered Troy!

"I'd like to bear my testimony. I just got back from a study abroad...it was so amazing. I learned so much about myself and the world and now that I've gone abroad I don't feel the need to serve a mission and can now get married to the most eligible bachelor...Amen."

Can you tell that I'm ready to get out of Provo? Help me...

Enough

2010-06-02T16:50:00.000-07:00

A few weeks ago, I was called up to the stand to speak in church. Someone in charge forgot to get speakers that week, and the Bishop was winging it. The second I heard him say that, I knew I would be talking. Out of 100+ people in the congregation, I just had that tingly feeling in my chest. I just knew it.

I'm pretty sure it was a sign that God wanted me to preach to myself. I always end up learning amazing life lessons from myself when I take the time to formulate them for an audience. Separating myself from my own life makes me appreciate it more.

In the five minutes I had to prepare a talk, I could only think of one thing: talk about what you know. The closest thing to my heart right now is learning how to be happy in every situation, no matter what. I tend to find the negative in things. That kind of changed when Matt came into my life because he's such a positive person. I did not expect to be 22 and have a missionary. I distinctly remember saying to my boyfriend at 18: I expect to be married before I graduate college. It's about that time, and nothing. How silly I was. I did not expect to stay in Provo this summer. Besides Fullerton, California, Provo was the last place I wanted to be. I have the intense desire to see the world, and I believe the best time to do it is when you're single. But God had better plans for me. I don't know what those plans are, but I know they take place in Provo for the time being. Boo hoo, I have a missionary and I'm still in Provo. It doesn't sound that bad, but it's hardly the adventure I expected.

When the words came out of my mouth, I knew I needed to hear them more than anyone in that congregation. Life can be full and joyful in any situation. Maybe not 100% of it, maybe not 100% of the time. But I truly believe that I can find great things anywhere, any time, any place. Lately my days are quieter, less exciting. I go to school, I go to work. I have amazing friends that I am reconnecting with, but something is still missing. But I am filling that void with joy. I am determined to love my life no matter what.

Some days I loathe the fact that I'm not living in another country, or even another state (another county?) Other days I receive the quiet affirmation that Provo is where I need to be right now. It can be hard to accept things that you know are good for you, but not what you wanted.

I may not know why I am here right now, sitting in summer school and working at a wedding invitation store I have no need to patronize, but I do know one thing: God has better plans for me than I have for myself. This is enough.

I'm Not Surprised

2010-05-27T18:46:00.000-07:00

A gay couple came into work today. I work at a wedding invitation store inside a mall in the heart of Happy Valley, Utah. I'm pretty sure it's the most conservative county in the world. So much so that 90% of the time 90% of the people here make me want to tear my hair out.

After a few basic questions, one of the men said, "I'm going to be blunt. The invites are for us. Would you guys do that for us?" I was so shocked by the question!

"I don't see why not."
"Well, we've had some problems in the past. Some people wouldn't print them for us."

Although I belong to a Church that honors the sanctity of marriage between a man and a woman, I personally believe that someone's sexuality is none of my business. Basically, live and let live. Although I don't agree with homosexuality from a moral and personal standpoint, I believe that people should not be persecuted for choices that do not affect me personally. A gay wedding invitation will not affect my personal salvation. I am not shocked, but upset, that certain stores in Utah Valley have refused these men service. Although they may not agree with their choice to essentially be married, stores refusing to print invitations for the ceremony seems a lot not their business.

I guess Prop 8 is all about this issue, and I opposed gay marriage then. But seeing it in person makes my heart hurt. My soul believes one thing and my sympathy believe another. Maybe it's not so much about opposing or advocating something. I think it's more about common courtesy and humanity. Give the boys their invitations, I say! That is their choice to make.

How To Travel

2010-05-24T22:45:00.000-07:00

I am a co-creator and writer for a new website called HOW TO TRAVEL. We write articles about how to make the most out of your traveling experience. The site is slightly geared towards college students, but is valuable for all travelers. Please show your support by subscribing to our website and confirming when you get an email from us. And please, pass this on to your friends!

Some Day...

2010-05-16T20:39:00.000-07:00

I may not ever own an underground house, but one day I will have barn wood ceilings.

Also, an indoor swing. Booyah.

I think CoCo would agree :)

Also I will be really sad when this little boy moves to Washington.

Favorite Phrases:

2010-05-15T21:33:00.001-07:00

hot mess

you would

that's what she said

oh mylanta
you can't come back from that
shut it down
walk away

All Else Is Gravy

2010-05-14T22:16:00.000-07:00

My art teacher has always said that everything we do and are should be vibrantly sufficient. In other words, do what you need to do, but do it well. Don't worry about being the best at everything, but what you do should be your best. He told us this while we were in the middle of the "I don't think I'm ever going to be a good teacher" phase. It is comforting to realize that one person cannot be, do, finish, go to, create everything all at once. It reminds me of the phrase, "Whatever you are, be a good one." Make your goals count. Make the things you do count. What you don't do can wait until tomorrow. All else is gravy :) Phew, now isn't that a relief?

Live Elegantly.

2010-05-14T22:05:00.001-07:00

You must do the thing you think you cannot do.

My girl Eleanor Roosevelt

2010-05-12T20:18:00.000-07:00

Personal Goal: No more clothes shopping until I get two paychecks. This sounds easy, but since Matt left I have been shopping like crazy! You guys better hold me to it.

2010-05-11T23:39:00.001-07:00

all else is gravy

2010-05-09T10:38:00.001-07:00

Wanting to be someone else is a waste of the person you are.

kurt cobain

2010-05-08T21:38:00.000-07:00

Awesome day. Zoos with children in tow are always more fun. They get excited about everything. It also means a legitimate reason for snack breaks. WalMart pedicures? Not so much next time...

But the best? Receiving a Happy Future Mother's Day card in the mail.

We should send mail more often. There's nothing like getting something tangible from a loved one far away. And letters are almost always all things good and awesome. I'm starting a letter movement...start watching the mail.

2010-05-04T21:32:00.001-07:00

I have run into a lot of dead ends lately.

But I have hope.

2010-05-04T17:44:00.000-07:00

We all need someone to tell us that everything will be alright. If you're wondering where that person is, look in the mirror. Then tell it to someone else. If you can't find the words, look up.

2010-05-01T20:44:00.000-07:00

read this: moving forward

Also, this makes me really happy:

The end of missing someone.

2010-05-01T17:50:00.000-07:00

"I like to see people reunited, I like to see people run to each other, I like the kissing and the crying, I like the impatience, the stories that the mouth can't tell fast enough, the ears that aren't big enough, the eyes that can't take in all of the change, I like the hugging, the bringing together, the end of missing someone."

Jonathan Safran Foer (Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close)

(Matt and I the day I got back from a two month study abroad in Italy.)

Weekend Update

2010-04-30T14:19:00.000-07:00

This weekend could not have started off better than with a Gallery 303 stroll,

a trip to Rowley's letterpress studio

(from outside)

one of the most fun weddings ever, which included a rap by written by the groom's brothers and kid-dancing,

catching up with this lady,

and catching the bouquet.

^^Lifelong goal.

Weekend goal: some watercoloring, a Blaze game/girl date with Kelsey Anne, and some sunshine, weather permitting.

What are you doing this weekend?

wanderlust

2010-04-28T12:05:00.000-07:00

I am now taking charitable donations towards my wanderlust fund. I am lucky to have been to the places I've been, but I am nowhere near checking off my list (can you say Ireland, Bali, and of course, the Philippines?) Money will be accepted in the form of lump sums, checks, and cold hard cash.

2010-04-25T01:16:00.000-07:00

Confidence is captivating, powerful and it doesn't fade, and that is endlessly more interesting than beauty." - Nina Garcia

2010-04-22T00:22:00.000-07:00

My mom is graduating in two days.
From BYU.
30 years after she started.
She temporarily gave up school to raise four children 100% from home.
Now she is the mother of a college student, college grads, a grad student, and professionals.
I cannot be more proud.

Next stop, grad school?

I can never think of titles.

2010-04-21T00:11:00.000-07:00

This is the collage I had in the Student Art Show.

I have been Spring Cleaning my whole life lately. I am looking for a new job, I donated a ton of stuff to do, I cleaned my whole house (still can't tackle the car), and have bought new spring clothes. Spring is in the air and it is so refreshing! Plus once I get 100% better, the 6-week yoga challenge is back ON!

This is the view I had when I walked out of my last final. Free at last, free at last.

This is my Curriculum document and my Technology final. Curriculum is referred to as "The Big Enchilada" in the art education program, and everyone freaks out when they take it. You basically have to write a whole entire class curriculum (including charts, unit overviews, overarching goals, ten lessons, assessment, etc.). I have been working on it all semester and finally turned it in! It was 60 pages and cose $17 to print! I was so glad to get rid of it that I had to take a picture of that moment. I'm such a nerd.

This is me and Hillary rolling on the floor laughing at the Italy Reunion. The Game of Things is the best game ever when played right.

Brittney, me and Steph at a backyard concert last week. So fun.

Also I wish I could pull this outfit off.

2010-04-18T19:51:00.000-07:00

My friend Chelsea just blogged about looking back at pictures to make you laugh when life gets ridiculous.

She posted this picture, which I completely forgot about but am so happy it's back.
Yes, that is Megan's hand on my butt.

It's from when we worked at Jacob Lake two years ago.

If you know me at all, you've heard about Jacob Lake and how it was simultaneously the best and worst experience of my life.

Moments like this and friends like these made it the best.

You wouldn't understand what made it the worst unless you worked there.

I looked through my college scrapbook the other day. Yes, I made a scrapbook, and no, it is not fugly.

Being away from my best friend is a unique and hard experience, but seeing hundreds of pictures in which life was good, happy and fulfilling makes the hurt feel better.

Life is good. I am happy despite trials. I am blessed. I feel joy.

And that is the bet gift of all.

2010-04-18T00:25:00.000-07:00

God put certain people in my life for a reason. Nothing is consequential, of this I am sure. Thank you, God, for sending me angels.

Retail Therapy

2010-04-16T21:51:00.000-07:00

Elise and I decided to go shopping today for a few necessary objects (my student teaching clothes, her summer trip clothes) and ended up shopping for five and a half hours! Totally worth it, and I'm happy to say I only went $14 over budget.

Pretty colors in the store.

Our loot.

Elise made me do a photo shoot to send pictures to Matt.

Pretty.

What?

Sweet-a genes. Yes, genes.

Um...

Dur.

I love the colors.

WebMD Genius

2010-04-14T23:56:00.000-07:00

Swallowing irritating chemicals or poison? Really?

BYU Blue

2010-04-09T15:18:00.000-07:00

I just entered BYU's T-Shirt Design Contest...mostly because I utterly despise BYU's design aesthetic and think anything I (or anyone else) submit will be better than what they already have!

The winner gets an $800 bookstore gift certificate. While I would prefer cash, I could think of a few things to buy with $800 dollars of credit. I don't expect to win, but wouldn't it be wonderful if I did? Send me some good karma. I'll need it...

See what I mean?

Weekend Update

2010-04-08T21:29:00.000-07:00

The semester is winding down. I am proud of my accomplishments and friendships built this semester. I am even sad to see it end? Good thing I won't be graduating for another year so I can be more involved in the art education department.

Updates:

-I received a scholarship for spring/summer without applying for it. That was really a blessing and I am honored and thankful to the donors who supplement artists' educations so we can create!

-I have had three pieces in two shows this semester. Why didn't I start entering them sooner?

-I have had the opportunity to watch my nephew Charlie twice a week for the past month while my sister and brother in law work. He always puts a smile on my face. The first few weeks Matt left, it was especially nice to see him because he took my mind off of my worries and made me appreciate the family I have close by.

-I have been helping my friend Tammy design a booklet of the Art Ed show. It's fun to teach someone else how to use InDesign and it will be good on my resume.

-I was nominated to be the publicity person for the NAEA student chapter next year, and I am excited to get more involved, even if I am not in charge of anything.

-My relationships with people in the Art Ed department have shaped my whole college career and I am grateful to associate with such wonderful people.

-Ken, Maureen and Charlie are moving to Washington soon and I will miss them.

-Jeannette and I decided that since we are magically graduating at the same time (thanks to me being a year behind), that we are going to celebrate by going on an out-of-country vacation within a year of graduation! Hopefully, unlike the Portland extravaganza-q, this will actually happen.

-Matt writes me amazing long letters and sends me pictures. The days I get those, my whole day is better. Life is different but full and I am grateful to have an amazing boyfriend who is worthy to serve God and the people of Cebu for two years. I am also grateful for what I have learned in the short month he has been gone: life does not end when challenges come my way; I am amazingly blessed; God loves and watches over me; I choose how happy I am; and that we need these two years to grow separately so we can be even more amazing together.

-My shortcomings do not define my self-worth.

Elder Hardin loves letters...

2010-04-07T21:50:00.000-07:00

So write him!

Elder Matthew Hardin
MTC Mailbox #151
PHI-CEB 0511
2005 N. 900 E.
Provo, Utah 84604

Believe me, he'll send you a good one back :)

2010-04-06T17:27:00.001-07:00

Melt your heart to the sky.

2010-04-04T22:54:00.001-07:00

I'm open to all possibilities.

In 711 Days...

2010-03-28T22:35:00.000-07:00

...this will be happening. Can't wait.

[It's all about the positives.]

The Real Zion.

2010-03-27T22:45:00.000-07:00

Every semester, our professor Dr. Graham takes his Art Ed Studio class on a camping trip to Zion National Park. Since a few of us had class on Thursday when everyone else left, we drove down early Friday morning.

We stopped in Beaver and saw this sweet car wash. EAGER BEAVER!!

Don't let this picture fool you...it was snowing for the first three hours of our drive. We were scared it would be freezing in Zion!

Don't let this picture fool you, either. Even though it was sunny, it was still cold. And I was extremely unprepared.

We went to this sweet antique shop with lots of Native American things and this Madonna.

Kristen and LeeAnn.

Some sweet chilies outside the shop.

The front of the shop.

So maybe I took too many pictures. But I liked the atmosphere.

Boo.

Really? I can't believe how many pictures I took.

Open!

We missed the hike to Angel's Landing, so the people I drove down with and I went on a walk to the opening of the fateful Narrows. We were in the sweet light.

And we saw a little baby pond because it had rained!

So pretty.

Bottom of a waterfall.

Lines.

Tim brought his wife Luce. They fit so well together.

Kaibab Squirrel!

The opening of The Narrows.

It started raining.

I don't know what I was doing.

Oh, hey Narrows!

Eating dinner. Dr. Graham and his wife planned an vegetarian menu and we had camp fire dinners and soup. Yum.

Dr. Graham building the fire.

The fire was so mesmerizing.

I didn't take pictures of this, but a bunch of the people in our group played songs for us on the guitar around the campfire. They were all really good! Davey even rapped and read some poems. How versatile he is. Because it was windy and rainy, no one painted like we planned on. Then Kristen and I slept in a tent with our friend, JoAnn. And we thought our heat would be enough, but it was so freezing last night that JoAnn and I could barely sleep! I tried to be cool and pack super light, but next time I am bringing everything but the kitchen sink! Even though the sleep sucked and we didn't paint, I had an awesome time with my friends. We got out of Provo, went on a nice walk, had some good food and a nice time around the campfire, and got no sleep!

I love my art friends.

Life.

2010-03-27T22:17:00.000-07:00

So I said I'd put the art I had in the Inspiration show up, so here it is.

This one is from my picture blog. I wrote about how I had to make a website about art and teaching, and started this blog because I couldn't ask my students to do something this big that I hadn't done before.

Long sentence. Long. Sentence.

Here's the other one!

I've been watching Charlie a lot and he's so fun.

He sits in his bumbo while I get ready in the morning.

I promised my roommate Beth that I would start coming to FHE.

We went to the Nickelcade.

I am absolutely addicted to this game.

Tim's hair is perfect for mohawking in class when we get bored.

Dan Barney let me use his sweet sewing machine to do my first sewing project ever.

I've had this material for over a year. It's about time I did something with it!

Thanks, Ikea.

And then we spent a whole week in class prepping boards to take to our Zion camping trip.

We did it old school. We cut MDF, put on rabbit skin glue, painted on gesso, sanded it, and put washes over that.

Our old roommate and awesome friend, Cat, was in the BYU Luau and Amy and I went to see her. She did so great! Love you Cat!

Worth it.

2010-03-23T14:39:00.000-07:00

Adjusting to life without someone always takes some time. I only let myself consciously think about Matt when I get a letter from him. If I think about him all the time, I will always be depressed that he is gone. That isn't good for anybody.

These past few weeks have been pretty good. I have been to yoga classes, seen old friends, started babysitting my nephew twice a week, and have started going to FHE haha. And the days I get letters from him make the wait worth it. He is doing so well in the MTC; he loves his district, the Gospel, and the temple. He loves where he is, and I can already sense a change in him. He even sent me some pictures to prove how great a time he's having! My favorite part of the note he sent me was this:

"I do love you my dove, you're the prize at the end of this mission race! The light at the end of the tunnel, even though the tunnel rocks...You make me happy, and the Plan of Salvation makes me happy because of you."

Two years really isn't that long in the grand scheme of things, especially with letters like that to look forward to.

Some Facebook advice:

2010-03-19T22:53:00.000-07:00

"What if funky, confusing, gray, lonely days were just part of a "system" that, in turn, created bright, rich, happy, friendly days? What if they were just meant to give deeper elements of your creativity a rest? What if they were deliberately crafted holidays, of a sort, devised by your inner psyche to relieve you from the pressure of artificial expectations?

Would you still bemoan them, wonder what's wrong with you, or fear that they'll never end?

Or, would they kind of tickle you pink?"

- The Universe [via Notes from the Universe]

WANTED

2010-03-18T18:36:00.000-07:00

Can you tell I'm in a dress funk?

Time to start closet shopping. Sigh...

2010-03-17T21:47:00.000-07:00

"Sometimes you have to be apart from the people you love,

that makes you love them more."

Please Read April 16, 2015

2010-03-16T19:12:00.000-07:00

I have recently stumbled upon a mass of free time. I don't want to waste it, so I started a list of goals I want to accomplish. Putting things online always makes me feel more accountable. This website, 43 Things, is a place where you can write down your goals and check them off when you're done! You can see how many people are working towards the same goal, and write how you accomplished it when you finish.

Here are my first six goals. And now I can cross two things off that list because I went to a yoga class on Saturday (and am going again this week), and I wrote a letter to myself in five years. Because I will probably lose track of it otherwise, I am posting my letter here. And can someone remind me to come back and read it in 2015? kthx.

Dear Self,

I did a letter like this in high school, but it was lame. And right now, it's hard to look past the next two years. So this is about perspective. Matt just left on Wednesday, March 10, 2010 for his mission. He will be in the Philippines for the next two years teaching the Gospel of Jesus Christ to the people there. After dating him for two years, it's been hard to let him go. I really don't remember how to be alone. Although I know I am not alone, it feels like it because he is my best friend and we were inseparable.

Life is just not as vibrant without him right now, and I need to find that again. I need to be okay with being alone. I need to build myself up and become stronger. I know I can do it. I need to keep myself busy, learn new things, and accomplish my goals. This list is all because of 43things.com. It's an online goal-setting website where you list what you want to do, and get to check it off once you finish it. Having it online makes me feel more accountable. Writing a letter to myself is my number 2 right now after learning yoga. I went to a class on Saturday, so that could probably be checked off.

Future self (self...), I want you to know that things will get easier. Hard things always do. Everything that I have done in my life that was worth it has been or has started off hard. It seems like the end of the world now, in the first week that he is gone, but you know that it isn't. The world will keep revolving, and it won't be around you. Get out there and help people. Forget yourself. That is what Matt is doing right now, and you need to do it, too. Reunite at the end of two years better people, and have no regrets. You will regret sitting around wallowing for him.

In five years, I hope you will have accomplished many things. I hope you will have stretched yourself physically, emotionally, spiritually and socially. I hope you will have graduated college, supported yourself, bought a car, hopefully gotten married, and started a family. I hope you will always try to better yourself and the people around you. I hope you will have lived in multiple places and learned about many different kinds of people. I hope you will have become okay with being alone. I hope you will have endured your trials well and found joy despite pain.

Go back to 43things.com. How many things have you crossed off your list? Push yourself to become great, and the people around you will become great because of your influence. Share your story, your experience, your intelligence, and your personality. Share everything good about you. Learn everything good about others. And stop worrying.

"Worrying is like a rocking chair; it gives you something to do, but it doesn't get you anywhere." -Dad.

And listen to your Dad. Become more of who you already are. And own two dogs named Rob and Big (a daschund and bulldog).

Kellie Marie Rowland

April 16, 2010

Sacred Place

2010-03-12T20:50:00.000-08:00

We are talking about spirituality in one of my studio classes right now. My teacher asked us to bring in pictures of a sacred place to us. I didn't want to say the usual answers (church, the temple), because those are implied. For me, the next highest on the list is places I've never been before. I crave new places. I enjoy being unsettled and the feeling of discovery I get when I go somewhere new. I even enjoy the frustration and homesick feeling I get from new places, because I know that the exposure to how other people view normal life is worth it. Here are a few pictures I took in Italy that remind me of the joy I found in living in a new country, missing loved ones, and discovering a new place for the first time.

I sent letters to people back home, wishing they were all there with me. When I left, I knew that in a few months, Matt and my roles would be reversed, and he would be the one leaving. It's comforting to know how leaving feels, and to learn how staying behind felt, too.

The sunset at Ponte Vecchio.

A church in...Sienna?

I love the old architecture there.

An island off of Venice. I got to go there twice!

Is it weird that I think graffiti is spiritual? Something about the raw, anonymous human experience expressed for everyone to see. It's kind of like PostSecret.

The view from our apartment in Florence.

Our last night in Florence.

Pattern.

Growing Separately

2010-03-10T22:48:00.000-08:00

One day we decided to drive to Jacob Lake. It was pretty close quarters in the car, but we didn't mind. Well maybe Megan did.

We ate at The Three Bears in Kanab and had awful service. This is Matt's distressed bird face.

It was raining/snowing the whole time, but we saw a rainbow on the way back...both ends!

Our cups became friends while waiting to be refilled at Three Bears. It smelled like raw pumpkin. Yuck.

Lady Boutique?

Matt let me take lots of pictures of him the day we said goodbye.

Packing his missionary suitcase (that he could for sure fit in).

On the way to drop him off...he was so exited to go to the MTC!

Don't mind my teary face.

Matt went into the MTC today while I went off to class all day. I didn't particularly want to see him go, so I didn't. Today was surprisingly much easier than I thought it would be. I am still melancholy, but not depressed. I have not cried today (although I cried a lot yesterday). Everyone has been amazing and thoughtful, asking me how I am doing. I am really sad, but this is about him. And as long as he is excited and ready to go, I'm excited for him. The wait to wait is finally over, and now it's all about time. I have never been so aware of time in my life.

Isn't this picture cheesy? I saw it on my walk home. I love that the tree was divided by the telephone line. It's a visual metaphor for my life right now. Two lives grow together and are separated by this obstacle, but hopefully they will come together later and create something beautiful.

So, so cheesy. But I'm in a cheesy mood.

Life changes can do that to you.

Cabela's

2010-03-04T11:19:00.000-08:00

I have been soaking up all the Matties I can before the last time I see him (Tuesday afternoon). His cousins were in town, so we drove to Cabela's to play some games and watch the fish feeding.

First we fed some fish of our own.

A moose!

Then we played some violent video games. Don't tell Mary!

Then we found this sweet shooting range!

I'm pretty sure this is the only time Matt has posed for a picture without complaining.

This is my friend Guido.

I don't know what is so appealing about watching a bunch of fish eat goldfish, but it's gruesome and I couldn't keep my eyes off of them! People are weird...

The crowd at the fish tanks.

I'm glad I record things like this, because looking forward to more outings and memories will get me through two years.

Resolutions Update (February)

2010-03-02T14:59:00.000-08:00

How have I done so far?

1. Take 365 pictures in 365 days.

CHECK. 56 days down.

2. Move {somewhere, someone}

I am having a hard time finding a job anywhere right now, but I am still looking. The concentration is still in Portland, but has expanded to Eastern Washington and anywhere else that I've never lived.

3. Create more art.

Yup, and I learned how to frame art, too. I'm going to be in an art show at school! See the post below.

4. Stop worrying so much.

I think taking less credits and not having a job helped me out with this resolution this semester. A lot. My other big worry is Matt leaving and being single again. It's an unsettling place to be when you've dated someone for almost two years. But I feel like I'm in a good place right now. So check!

5. Say yes more.

My goal for March is to say yes to FHE at least twice.

6. Care more about my life than my body.

Does it count if I've been taking care of my body more? I have been working out more, walking to school, and trying to eat healthier. I think that counts towards caring about my life, don't you?

Pretty good.

BYU Art Education Show

2010-03-02T14:43:00.000-08:00

"The BYU Art Ed department is doing a show that will showcase the work of the students within its department, spanning the mediums of painting to even installation.

The theme of the show is "Inspiration." Essentially, "What inspires you?"

Prepare to be inspired.

Artist reception will be held Thursday, March 11th from 6:30 to 8:30. So, come and meet the awesome people of the Art Ed department and show your love and appreciation. If you can't make it then, the show will be up on the entire 5th of the Harris Fine Arts Center on BYU campus from March 4th to the 16th."

Hint hint: I'm in it. Twice. So go see it! It's gonna be awesome!

Cray Cray

2010-03-02T11:18:00.000-08:00

Whenever I take sleeping pills, I get cray-dog dreams. This morning I was late to class (an hour late) because I was being visited by my childhood piano teacher's ghost in a dream. Although I didn't go to sleep sad, I woke up exhausted and with the feeling that I had been crying. Maybe it's time to step off the pills for a while...

This may sound ridiculous, but do you think people can visit you in your dreams?

Wants

2010-03-01T23:27:00.000-08:00

Things like this tub,

this armoir (stained),

this chair,

this stairwell,

this chandelier,

and this sofa (in a different color)

are making me jones for my own house! Like now!

But I can wait...

Matt's Farewell

2010-02-28T21:11:00.000-08:00

First of all, I'm watching The Marriage Ref, and the wife just said, "Guess what? People in Hell want ice water, but they don't get it." Lol. Now off to better things...

Matt's gave his farewell talk in church today. Apparently Matt is an "awful public speaker" but I didn't see it. His talk was very sincere and thoughtful...even if his knees were shaking beneath the pulpit. Our friend Josh and his fiancee Anisa came with us to support him.

Matt's family and a family of another missionary sang the prelude "With Faith in Every Footstep" and I didn't cry. I also got through the solo the other missionary sang. But I lost it for a couple minutes during Matt's talk. Do I get points for not crying for the rest of the day?

Too bad I don't have any pictures from church or dinner, but we took one when we dropped Josh and Anisa off.

Yes, he is tall and skinny and I am short and fat. Deal with it!

Crouching tiger.

Matt reports to the MTC on March 10th.

People have asked me what I am going to do once he leaves for two years. Honestly, I am very sad because we have dated for 19 months and he is my best friend. But most of me is also insanely proud of him and excited. He is ready to leave, his family is proud of him, and based on his talk and his character, he will do an amazing job. During his talk he said, "Someone's eternal happiness depends on me." If he didn't go on a mission to the Philippines, someone else would go in his place. But maybe there are people there who he was meant to meet. He will change lives.

Now that the time has come, all I can do is support him and stay positive. I am determined to not waste two years of my life being sad. I have a list of goals I want to accomplish while he's gone, so we can both meet up at the end of two years better people.

I will move to Oregon, graduate college, become an art teacher, get a bulldog and name him Big, maybe go to Ireland, learn how to sew, take a yoga class, lose (realistically) 20 pounds (or hopefully more), and stay happy. And that is just the short list.

What else should I do while he's gone?

Ridiculousness

2010-02-27T01:16:00.000-08:00

So maybe it's almost March and my Christmas tree is still going strong in my living room.

And maybe I got so sick of a dirty house and I went on a cleaning rampage; not even my change could escape my wrath. (Yes, I realize that only a crazy person would wash their change. I had no choice! The change in my car was sticky...gross, I know...so I just had to wash the rest! Commit me.)

And maybe Brian Kershisnik was in Salt Lake and we just happened to stop by and chill with him while he painted.

And this guy, who has apparently done a ton of work for LDS temple all over kingdom come was there giving demonstrations, too.

The best thing about him is that he has a severe stutter. He told us about how he had a girlfriend on his mission, and was asked to stay an extra two months. He prayed about it and said he was told that he would be blessed if he stayed. He wanted to know how, and was told that he would earn his living making stained glass. And look where he is now! Trippy!

Steve in bronze form.

The apple doesn't fall far from the tree, does it? This is one ugly baby.

I don't know why this was in the LDS Church History Museum, but it was. According to Matt, this guy is saying, "I love my chicken more than I love my church!" If that doesn't make sense, it's because you had to be there.

I love this painting! It's the valley without any buildings except the temples.

Dr. Dan's wife's work was there, too! Too bad she wasn't, because I want to meet her.

Recognize this painting? This is the original preliminary sketch. And the Christus that's in a ton of temple

visitors' centers.

We tried to take a picture to document our date, but it didn't work.

So Matt tried to take a picture, but that didn't work either, mostly because I was pissed he wasn't in it. Apparently Steve didn't like that idea either.

Still green, but better.

Amy and Steefe. And a car. And the temple.

We decided that if we ever ran marathons, we would make up our own runs. Mine is "hands to my side, chin to my God." Matt thinks that's creepy. I think it's awesome haha.

Sittin, Wishin, Waitin...

2010-02-20T14:08:00.000-08:00

I was never one of those girls who started planning her dream wedding at the age of four. But for the past year and a half, I have been wedding crazy! I guess it helps when you're 99% who the groom is going to be. There are so many awesome wedding blogs out there, that I just save the pictures I like for inspiration when the time to actually plan said wedding comes. So in case some of you don't think I'm cuckoo enough, here are some wedding details I love (and stole) and want to do at my own wedding!

Imagine keys attached to table assignments

and a bouquet like this one.

And maybe I'll do a wall of picture frames all bunched together with pictures of us in them.

Tea lights ares a must...

And wouldn't you love to eat off of one of these?

And I would love to have my picture taken down this lane,

or have a cozy seating arrangment like this.

Or maybe even take some pictures in a treehouse in the middle of the woods,

Or send out polaroids as my invitation.

But we all know that I'll probably send out something like this.

And maybe by then I'll have a doug named Doug who can wear a tie to my reception,

and I'll by famous by then, too, so Lady Gaga will show up to photography my wedding wearing her hair in a freaking bow,

and she'll look at the wire hanging on the walls with love notes Matt wrote me ages ago.

Or maybe I'll screen print my own invitations,

and have a cake like this one,

or have the reception in an old house...

And maybe there will be umbrellas all over the ceiling

And guests can thumbprint our family tree...

Or type us a love not on a vintage typewriter.

Isn't it nice to dream? Also, if I'm going to invite any celebrity to my wedding, it's going to be Will Ferrell and Tina Fey.

Forgotten Pictures

2010-02-19T20:53:00.000-08:00

I have so many pictures that don't make it onto the blog because I can technically only do one picture a day. So here's some of my favorite unseen pictures from summer until now!

Meg and I saw swarms of missionaries at the Provo Temple one day. It was kinda trippy. Don't you love the couple in the front?

Jeannette comes down to visit from Rexburg a lot, and we love it!

Down my street. This one didn't make the cut for the 365 blog.

I had an assignment in my studio class to copy a children's book illustration and then make my own page for a graphic novel.

Powell's parking lot in Portland.

Ream's Market.

Matt took my camera a lot to go fishing this summer. Lovin the hat haha.

On the way to Jamie and Russy's wedding.

My first view of Amy's wedding dress. Isn't it beautiful?

Daddio and the Momma at Brian and Melissa's wedding.

We found our Utah reception site! (And almost got kicked out for tresspassing haha).

Baby Amari.

The Charles! What a little man.

Street Art.

The class I TA'd for last semester making prints.

The boys BBQ'd for us when we went shooting. Yum!

I think I look pissed and scary more often than I feel pissed and scary.

Birthday glasses!

Yes, this is a pirate ship in the harbor in Venice.

Brian, Mata and Aaron at Brian's wedding. They look so good!

Venice. Man, I miss Italy.

Cinque Terra, Italy. Can I go back now please?

Fishin between cities in Cinque Terra.

Downs and Ups

2010-02-09T16:10:00.000-08:00

Ups and Downs.

The Witch of University Avenue

2010-02-06T20:24:00.001-08:00

This is the house across from my bank.

Every time I see it (which will decrease since I no longer have a JOB...) I imagine some old witch sitting in the attic, stalking her prey from her window.

Weird? Yes.

Possible? YES.

The Charles

2010-02-03T11:28:00.000-08:00

Is there anything cuter than this baby and this boy?

Cheeseball!

2010-02-03T01:36:00.001-08:00

In the words of Dan Barney, this post will probably be cheeseball. But I don't care.

If seeing this makes me giddy after 18 months...

I can only imagine how wonderful it will feel in 50 years.

Resolutions Update (Month 1)

2010-02-01T18:50:00.000-08:00

How have I done so far?

1. Take 365 pictures in 365 days. CHECK for this month.

2. Move {somewhere, someone} not yet, but I went to Portland to scout out jobs. So MINI CHECK.

3. Create more art. CHECK. I painted.

4. Stop worrying so much. [How is this quantifiable? However, I do think that I have consciously been less stressed out about school. CHECK.]

5. Say yes more. CHECK.

6. Care more about my life than my body. [Also not very quantifiable.]

Pretty good.

A Realization.

2010-02-01T17:20:00.000-08:00

Do you ever wonder why you even liked someone in the first place? Thinking back on most of the crushes I had, I am amazed at how crappy I let boys treat me.

WOMEN: Never settle for a boy who you have to convince to like you; who you can't feel completely yourself around; who doesn't make the first move; who doesn't appreciate your wonderful qualities!

MEN: Those of you who treat your women well: good job (cough MATT). Those of you who lead women on: for shame!

Love, Your Neighborhood Soapbox Spokeswoman

Y?

2010-01-31T16:35:00.000-08:00

You can really tell how much a person pays attention to you based on whether or not they spell your name right.

-Kellie